Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
SHANE: Batman's drowning his sorrows in the corner of a bar.
Some Joker starts a fight.
It gets out of hand - glasses flying. So why doesn't he step in?
Because he's not Batman,
he's one of them whingeing Fathers For Justice twats.
Now, don't get me wrong, having kids is great.
You can make good money from 'em.
But why would you want to ruin a good thing
by having one of your own?
Who's the fucking daddy?
- What's that?! - Aww.
Is that spending money your Granddaddy's giving you?
Big girls need to look after their money.
What have we got here?
Don't forget to water down the spirits,
and there's a brewery delivery at five tomorrow.
I've cooked and frozen enough meals
for the pair of you to last till me and Katie get back from Brighton.
All you have to do is ping it and eat it.
Ta, Mum, have a good 'un.
Hey, I've got it all planned.
After I've dropped Katie off at her dad's, it's sea, shopping and cock...
...ling. Favourite pastime of mine.
A Sunday was never a Sunday
without a trip to the cockle beds of New Brighton.
A weekend trip once in a blue moon to see her dad.
It's not right, is it?
She'll be in tears on that train ride back up here Sunday night.
And who'll be left to pick up t'pieces?
Us, as per usual.
What you playing at? Eh?
- Oi! - Who the fuck do you think you are?
Do you know who you're messing with? Where's my money?
Take it outside.
Go on.
He think's he's invincible
because Chesney and Carl are wanted for what he did.
Not one fucking person believes he did it.
He's taking liberties. Dad, he needs putting in his place!
Going to miss your Granddaddy, yeah? Give us a kiss.
Take care, sweetheart.
MIMI: Right, come on, Katie, say bye-bye. See you all.
- Bye. - KELLY: Bye, darling.
What is it with you and my family?
You must mean Carl.
Cos I ain't got around to Liam yet.
Maine Road as it was then.
Cockneys with fear in their eyes looking for cabs in Moss Side.
Proper football, you know?
Total football.
Pie and a pint, not a prawn sandwich in sight.
It was a time when players fought for the badge, not the money.
Good men.
Good, honest family men.
Just... Just like meself.
We stood on those terraces, man and boy.
Hand in hand.
You and me.
We can do it again, son.
Eastlands.
MAN: Put something else on telly. Turn it over!
Please, Carl, just come home.
(CHEERING)
Yeah, fuck you!
Oh, police want to interview me, she says.
What I actually said was, "You're wanted for a police interview."
Yeah, and I'm dragged in for a televised appeal
begging the little tosspot to come home.
- You were crying! - Me eyes were watering.
I've an allergy to high-pressurised situations.
- He's your son! - He made his bed. Let him lie in it.
Crocodile tears dried up, have they?
Just the usual, and no more smart-arse remarks.
If that was one of mine, I'd be out there turning every last stone,
not drowning my pitiful sorrows and crying like a big girl's corset on national TV.
With a father like you, is it any wonder the kid did a runner?
Guilty as charged, Paddy!
What I think the author is trying to say
is that we mustn't give up on the ones we love.
Would anyone like to read a passage that encapsulates that sentiment?
Face it, Libby, it's not the lure of literature, it's the free plonk.
My place, Saturday. Italian night.
Carbonara, Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
We'll never get that read in time!
I'll rent the DVD. It's better than pissing about with the books.
WOMAN: Drink to that!
Sorry.
It's not your fault. Classic post-traumatic malfunction.
Two options.
Half a Viagra and a glass of grapefruit juice.
- Or you go to the police and get closure. - They wouldn't believe me.
You're a canvas of evidence, Ian. Jimmy's on a suspended.
If the police can't touch him for Bonehead's murder,
he'd go down for this.
And then there's nothing to stop Carl from coming home.
Is that what this is about?
You want him to come back, don't you?
- No. - What?
He's a fucking trouble magnet. Everything he touches turns to shit.
I thought you would have sussed that out by now.
(HE GROANS)
- Where is he? - (MOBILE RINGS)
Bacon! To what do I owe the honour?
Search warrant.
They're ripping the place apart.
They're not going to find anything embarrassing, are they, Frank?
Well, there's Libby's love bunny under the pillow.
She meant drugs, you twat.
I meant evidence that would put Carl behind bars.
Carl's an innocent man!
(PADDY COUGHS)
Not that it's any of my business,
but a little bird has just told me the cops have confirmed
that blood found on clothes taken from Chesney's is Bonehead's.
Pint.
What the fuck you looking at?
So that's what you think now, is it? My Carl's guilty?
The evidence is mounting.
OK, thick as pig shit? Maybe.
Brains wired directly into his testicles? Definitely. But a murderer?
Come on!
We all know who's really responsible!
You got something you want to say?
- My son is innocent. - Well, tell that to the police.
Am I the only one that has had enough of this gobshite?
Now fuck off, before I fucking beat the...!
Not on my patch, son.
You're small fry. Not worth the effort.
But lay one finger on any of mine again
and you'll see I'm not above fishing for tiddlers! Now, get!
Go on!
Nice one, Dad.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Hi, Mum.
All right, yeah, OK, I'm on me way.
PADDY: What's got into you?!
- What's this about, Shane? - I'm celebrating.
Celebrating what?
Freedom. A life of do what you want to do
whenever the fuck you... you want to do it, freedom.
What you on about?
You and me, come on. The two of us for ever.
- Get off. - Have you two had a barney?
- No. - (SHANE VOMITS)
What the fuck was all that about in the pub, then?
You'd better have a damned good reason for pulling that stunt.
I double-check negative results, I'm never wrong.
You're firing blanks?
(COUGHS)
Sperm donation was hardly going to make you a millionaire, was it?
Although plenty of wankers are.
- It wasn't about the money, it was... - What?
You said you didn't want kids.
- And you agreed. - I was fine with it then.
(SIGHS) But just seeing our Jamie with Connor...
little Katie legging around.
Me and you looking out for Stella and Liam.
It just got me thinking.
You know, thoughts that I'd never even thought of.
I was feeling stuff that I never thought I'd feel.
So you thought, "I'll knock one off in a clinic and wi' a bit of luck,
"in nine months, there'll be a little me knocking about."
Kelly... Everywhere I look, I see babies.
Then stop looking.
Fuck's sake, Shane.
(SIGHS)
You know and I know it's an impossible dream.
Just get over it.
- Here you go, Mum. - Oh!
Oh, God!
You might as well walk around with targets on your back.
Sometimes you have to put yourself at risk for the things you believe in.
- And the people you're supposed to love! - Look at the Suffragettes,
Tiananmen Square, Greenham Common.
History is shaped, Frank, by people standing up for what they believe in.
Yeah? A dead hero's no hero, son.
They're on to you already.
Get down! Get down!
- Get...cut? - Get out.
- Police, please. This is Libby Croker... - What the fuck are you doing?
I thought you had more backbone than that.
She really doesn't know you, does she?
Take it from someone who's had years of experience getting their arse kicked.
Best course of action, shut the fuck up and keep your head down.
We have to stand up to them, Frank.
Yeah, well, best of luck with that one.
God almighty!
All they've got is Sammy's stupid statement.
Big deal. It's her word against ours. Two against one.
What?
It's not just the statement.
They raided your house and found some clothes covered in Bonehead's blood.
They've got you down for murder, and Carl as your accomplice.
I didn't even know they were trying for kids.
I wonder if it tastes any different.
You know, like you can always tell if lager's non-alcoholic or cola's diet.
I'm just saying, Kelly would have known already, wouldn't she?
All the spam javelin she has.
It's a terrible affliction for a man.
So we put our heads together and come up with a solution.
Someone's a bit down in the dumps. Chocolate's a dead giveaway.
Unless it's a substitute for Ian not... giving you enough.
Yeah, or maybe it's just because I'm hungry.
Can you put one of these up in your window?
- Go and get us another one. Give us ten. - Nice one.
What's the point? Carl and Chesney are a pair of selfish bastards.
- Bit out of order. - Everyone's going through hell
because of him, windows smashed in, house terrorised,
but that's nothing compared to not knowing where he is,
what's happened to him. But he's fucked off, hasn't he?
What's out of sight is out of mind.
He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
(MOBILE RINGS)
- Why didn't you call me? - And put you at risk?
You can't tell anyone we're here. If Jimmy finds out, we're all dead.
And if the cops get us, we're going down.
How's Ian?
Angry, scared, hurt.
So what's the plan?
Have I got to do everything round here?
I need your little black book.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Make it quick. - I want you to retract your statement.
I'm sticking by what I saw.
But you didn't see anything.
Everybody knows Jimmy did it.
Without your statement, Carl and Chesney can come home.
And Jimmy could go down. He's my brother!
And he's ruining your life!
What Bonehead did was wrong, but he didn't deserve to die for it!
What, is Jimmy going to do that to every bloke that disses ya?
- He cares about me. - He controls you,
just like he controls everybody round here.
You are just as trapped as Carl and Chesney.
If you could see what this is doing to 'em, Sammy.
- They're back. Jesus, they're back. - (DOOR OPENS)
What you talking to this sweat for?
She's just told me Carl and Chesney have been in touch.
They've decided to stay where they are till they know it's safer.
For everyone. In't that right?
Get out.
Hear from them again, say hello from me.
And tell Carl I'll keep an eye on Liam and Ian for him.
Make sure they don't come to any harm.
Frank said I could get some literary advice here.
Did he? That's great. We're reading Captain Corelli's...
Actually, I was looking for help on the creative side.
Oh.
He said you charge a flat fee of 10%.
Me jobseeker's allowance form.
It needs someone with a...creative touch.
FRANK: Cheers, Percy. See you again.
Oh, right, Marg.
- That's a flat rate, 10%. - No more. Mm-mm.
Just give us a minute, will ya?
I've been wrestling with me conscience all morning.
Oh, yeah? And who won?
This is benefit fraud. I'm party to a crime.
They're not doing it for duck islands and having their moats drained, are they?
It's not greed that's motivating them, it's hunger.
Margi's husband, Arthur, was shot in Afghanistan two years ago.
Do you think she gets any backup from the shitbags in power?
No, she's still struggling to cope with the death of a brilliant father
and husband who just happened to be the only breadwinner in the family.
Your call, Lib.
Just give me a minute.
- Is it the Afghanistan story again? - Yeah, I think it's best.
- How is the old bastard? - Still an old bastard.
- Right, next, please. - (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Oh, right, come in, lads. - Now, I just need to ask a few questions.
Good-looking, guaranteed.
Don't think so.
Stick it in the fridge, good lad. They can run it up the clinic later.
- This one's not past its sell-by date. - Mine's tried and tested.
- Five times over, that I know about. - Yeah, but I'm fresh. Virginal.
- We'll toss for it. - Again? I'm whacked out.
A coin.
- Three ways? - Between me and Micky.
At least we're the same generation.
Fair's fair.
Wisdom of Solomon.
We'll mix them.
What?
I was, like, full to bursting. Hadn't had a blo...ird for ages.
What's so important?
IVF'll cost you a fortune, so we thought we'd all, you know...
We've mixed it all up so you won't know whose is whose,
but chances are it'll be mine.
I knocked out six and I'm a cracking swimmer,
so mine'll be in there like swimwear.
You think Kelly'll be up for it?
I didn't take to the idea meself at first, but when you think about it,
the DNA will be near enough identical. Nobody will know it's not mine.
Except me, you, your dad, Jamie, oh, and Micky!
- Faster! - Yes, mistress!
Tell your dad thanks for the offer,
but I'd rather die than have any part of him in me again!
Sorry. Shane, I didn't mean...
- (CRACKS WHIP) - (BARKS)
Oh, shut the fuck up!
She won't budge. Not while Jimmy's around, at least.
- We're fucked. - Something'll come up.
CHESNEY: Clothes with blood on 'em! Statement from Sammy.
Footage from the phone, for all we know. We're fucked!
I'm calling Mum. Taliban's easier to deal with than this shit.
You'll never make it out the country.
Your names will be at every passport control desk at every airport.
So what do we do, Joe? Just wait here till they come for us?!
No. We wait here until we figure out our next move. It'll be OK.
FRANK: Hello?
Stay here.
Empty your pockets.
Just a bit of business.
What you two do behind my son's back is your business.
Secret's safe with me, my silence is easily bought.
- I'll have 60 fags, as well. - MAXINE: Piss off, Frank.
Take anything else and I'll break your fuckin' arms.
Well, I'll just pay a lickle visit to Ian, then, shall I?
See what he has to say...
You OK?
If the writing on the wall's wrong...
If what I know about you is incorrect...
- If you did it... - What?
No, listen. If you did it, I'm here... with ya.
Is that what you think?
- Well, innocent men don't run, son. - Well, I'll go to the police, then.
Did you ejaculate both your brain cells?
Piss off before somebody else goes down in the crossfire. Just leave, son.
- There's fuck all here for ya now. - I'm going nowhere.
Please, son.
Just go.
When Jimmy finds out that you're back, which he will...
...he'll...
I don't want to lose you, son. And Ian's taken a hiding and...
He's got Ian?
And he'll pick us off one by one.
Just go.
Hi, Lillian, sorry we're late.
I've brought Liam as well. I hope that's OK.
He's been here more times than half the vicars we service.
- You know Trixie, Liam? - Yeah.
Didn't want to leave him on his own. He's worrying himself sick about Carl.
Add a drop of that, love, while I stir.
What do you think?
Mmm. Lovely.
Are you having tea with us, Kelly?
What say you come round ours, Liam? Lillian's cooking ain't up to much.
That's lovely, that is(!)
Yeah, but I know where your fingers've been.
- You sure? - Yep.
Here we are, girls.
- Ohh! - Is that sauce homemade?
Is that sauce homemade?
Carl?
If you don't fess up and get your slag of a sister to tell the truth,
I'll fucking kill ya.
I'm going down anyway.
It might as well be for something I actually did.
Fuck you.
You shouldn't have come back.
Jimmy, no!
Jimmy, in! No!
- Come on, then! - Leave it, leave it!
- SAMMY: Come on! - You're dead, Gallagher.
- Your whole family are fucking dead! - Jimmy!
- Forget it! - I need this sorting, Micky, and quick.
I want him out of my life once and for all. I don't care what it takes.
One of your five-a-day.
Two of your five-a-day.
I heard you're infertile.
You would've made a good dad.
Sorry I snapped earlier. It's just...
you took me by surprise.
So you'll do it?
Touched as I am by the Maguire boys' generous donation...
the only things that matter to me are the things we share.
It's what we're about, Shane.
I don't want a baby unless it's something we can do together.
You could adopt. I wouldn't have minded being adopted.
I mean, it's a bit late now.
I'm way past the cute stage and into the mildly alarming,
potentially-psychotic stage, which I'm not, by the way,
but try telling that to a prospective parent.
He's got a point. Well, think about it. What does Frank offer him and Stella?
Where's their positive male role model? Where's their Shane Maguire?
Fuck! Kel, that's it.
Hang on, he only lives two doors away.
No mum, dad AWOL, living in a pub.
Katie.
We could have her here.
We'd give her everything that Mandy would have wanted to.
What do you think?
Even if Lip agreed, which he wouldn't, we'd never get past the social workers.
You're part of a minor gangster dynasty stretching back to the potato famine
and I earn me living flat on my back.
Why don't you just do it? Don't tell anyone, don't attract any attention.
A bit more baby-sitting. Bit more picking up from school.
A few more teas around at Uncle Shane's and Auntie Kel's.
You OK?
Dead on my feet.
New ward sister's getting on my wick.
She's only been there five minutes, it's, "Do this, do that."
She seemed all right to me.
When she rang.
She were worried you might be ill,
seeing how you haven't turned up to work for two days
and you weren't answering your mobile.
What's going on?
Carl's back.
What? When?
Couple of days.
Where is he?
You know what, on second thoughts, don't tell me, I don't want to know.
He needed help. I couldn't just leave him, could I?
Why not?
Because he's a mate.
You're still in love with him.
- No, I'm not. - Bollocks.
I broke his heart to be with you.
Yeah, and as soon as I can't satisfy ya, you go running back to him.
That's not fair. I care about him the same way you should.
- Ahh! - He needs his brother, Ian.
(SHOUTING)
Gallagher. Come on, Carl.
Gallagher, get out here now!
Going to fucking knock you out, Carl Gallagher.
Gallagher.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
OK....You're rushing it.
Just hold it steady.
You've got all the time in the world.
Just take it slowly,
relax,
cock...
...put your finger on the trigger
and squeeze gently,
...really gently.
You feel it?
A bit more pressure and...
(GUN CLICKS)
Right. Where are the bullets?
Carl, you sure?
- Have I got a choice? - You could disappear again.
It's not just about me any more. It's affecting everyone.
- Like me as well? - Yeah, Micky, you as well.
- Let me do it. - No!
Wrap a towel round it - keeps the noise to a minimum. Yeah?
Get as close as you can and aim for the chest.
Fuck you doing?
You're a decent lad, you don't do stuff like this.
He's going after my family, Joe. What am I supposed to do?
Just sit tight for now, yeah? It's fucking kicking off out there.
Jimmy's mob's on the rampage. You won't get close.
You only get one pop, don't ya?
You got to make sure your timing's spot on.
OK.
But tomorrow, he's dead.
(SHOUTING) You die! You fuckin' die!
(SHOUTING) Gallagher!
Your dad said you lot were the only ones off limits.
I'm glad you were listening.
What you waiting for?
Tell Carl if I can't get him, I'll get his family instead.
Liam. Ian. Shouldn't be too difficult to find out where he lives.
I'll pick them fuckers off one by one,
starting with his dad, and I know exactly where he'll be.
Let's go, boys!
Well, you should take it as a compliment.
She's the finest MILF that Chatsworth has to offer.
You're staying the night.
When I said MILF, I wasn't actually suggesting...
- In your dreams, Frank. - ...that we do anything.
- And stay up there. - Jamie?
What's going on?
Get hold of Libby and Patty, tell them to stay put wherever they are.
We've got problems. Jimmy.
We? That's a Gallagher problem, son. Not ours.
Libby, it's Karen. Karen Maguire.
Where are ya?
(SIRENS IN DISTANCE)
Where's Carl?
Gallaghers!
- Sit down! - Sit down!
- MAN: Little shit... - They're not here.
She said they're not here.
There's more of us than you.
It's not our fight. Unless you're stupid enough to make it ours.
Fuck off!
Go on, fuck off!
You're all barred.
Anyone sees Carl Gallagher, he comes to me. You got it?
Let's go, boys.
You going to sort this or not?
I took a bullet from a kid not much older than him a few months back,
and if you think I'm gonna risk taking another
for a Gallagher, think again.
People are looking to you, Dad, waiting for you to stand.
Then they'll be a long time fuckin' waiting.
Is this the kind of shit you want for your son? Living like this?
No.
I need your help, mate. You gonna step up?
Fucking brilliant(!)
I want Jimmy. He needs to learn a lesson
on how things are done round here, learn some manners.
BOY: Fuck off.
(GROANS)
Like not speaking until he's spoken to.
Now, we backed off at first,
because Jimmy's little problem was his little problem.
But then he made it ours.
He got a bit too cocky.
Now, you think you've got contacts.
Make a call, your little scally mates will be round
as fast as their little BMXs will carry 'em.
You're fuck all without your dad, anyway.
(SCOFFS) Unfortunately for you...
(WHISPERS)...you're wrong.
(GROANS)
Now, you miserable bunch, you need to learn respect.
You've shown my family none.
You've shown the people of Chatsworth none.
And that will not be tolerated.
Not now.
Not never.
(DOOR OPENS)
So give me Jimmy.
Now.
PADDY: You heard the man.
Over to you, son.
(MACHINERY CLANKS)
(SHOUTING AND GROANING)
BOY: Please let me down! Shane!
You're with me now, mate,
and I've got this feeling everything's gonna be OK.
I need to find Carl.
He might need backup.
Carl'll be fine. Take my word for it.
You stick with me.
I wanted to make sure you were OK.
- What the fuck do you care? - There was a load of trouble last night.
There was trouble last week...
when I took a twatting for you. I didn't see you round here then.
- Maybe it's not me you're interested in. - Oh, grow up.
I shouldn't have run, I know that, and I wish I could change things, but I can't.
(PHONE RINGS)
- No. You can't. - MAXINE: Just give him a chance.
Please, Ian. Things can go back to the way they were.
No. They can't.
Yeah, they can.
- What the fuck?! - What you doing, Carl?
- What I should have done at the start. - No need. It's been sorted.
He wouldn't have done it anyway.
You know what?
The worst thing is, I would.
To make up for the shit that I put you through.
- Oh, yeah, that's right! Run after him. - I'm not running after him.
I'm leaving.
Max!
My name's Carl Gallagher.
- Chesney Karib. - Oh, right.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hi, Sarge. Gallagher and Karib have just walked in. Yeah...
I'll bring them through.
Lip's getting married.
He's got a degree, a new job in London,
a fiancée with a figure like an hourglass, and a rich dad.
Katie's gonna live with him
and he's gonna be a proper daddy to her. Great, isn't it?
It's... It's brilliant.
Like shite it is. But Katie looked so happy, son.
Much as I wanted to,
I could hardly rip her away from her dad's arms, could I?
You did the right thing, Mam.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Yeah.
You're all right! I was so worried. Couldn't sleep a wink at Lillian's.
Stiff sheets? Funny shade of yellow?
Yes!
Lillian always gives the incontinence room to visitors.
Oh.
Well, back in our own beds tonight.
- Own beds? - Yeah, get back in your own room.
Nice one.
I'm getting off.
- Aren't you still a fugitive? - Sammy's withdrawn her statement.
What about the clothes they found at Chesney's house?
They were Jimmy's. Stupid get planted his own gear.
Got them to test the bloodstained clothes,
which proved they were his and not Chesney's.
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Is he in?
Liam?
- Carl, you're back! - Long time no see.
- Have you trod in something? - Oh, you're joking me!
You're not coming in until it's all off.
Fancy a brew?
You fucking bastard!
Clumsy as ever, Mr Bolton.
- CARL: Why d'you do it? - Not now.
Yes, now.
Ian wants you back, Max.
So do I.
That's the problem.
I'd always come between you and I don't want to.
You were right to have the abortion.
You and me with a kid? Could you imagine?
See, you and Ian, on the other hand, I can see that.
You love each other enough for that.
If it was Ian's, you wouldn't have got rid of it.
And that bothers you, does it? A big dent in your ego?
No.
You and me are just mates.
You and Ian are soul mates.
SHANE: I had the weirdest dream last night.
I was sat in t'Jockey having a drink with Spider-Man
and he tells me, "Being at the birth of your child
"is like being introduced to the most important person in your life."
Now, I can get that. Just because you can't have kids
doesn't mean you can't appreciate how special they are.
(SOBS)
Good night, Mum. Good night, Dad.
Oi, don't fucking push it.
Fathers For Justice?
I wish I even qualified.
God, have I been looking forward to you!
(SHRIEKS)
Don't fight it, Mimi.
You're only human.